SEX PEST

Hello everybody, sorry I’ve been quiet for a while. I’ve been busy with general life and work!

It’s such a miserable Sunday morning, thought I would stay in bed and blog! ….

Youngest son stayed at his dads last night, oldest rolled in at 2 rather worse for wear, after a roller coaster of an evening watching England play…..perfect time for blogging!

I thought I would tell you the tale about my sex pest….

It was a Sunday morning, sun was shining, I felt pretty good, had been on a date the night before which had been very successful….he was a very handsome, smart articulate gentleman who had got the train through to meet me and I had shown him the sights of Saltburn. All had gone well and a second date was certainly on the cards…

I was happily browsing the Isles of Aldi …doing my weekly shop…when

ping…

I pulled my trolley to one side and parked it up, retrieved my glasses from the bottom of my bag, located my phone, and proceeded to read my message..

hi sexy, hope you don’t think it’s presumptuous of me, but how do you feel about me booking a hotel room for next Sat night?..’.

Now I’m no prude, but I was taken by surprise!……..I thought about how I should react…..shall I be offended, shall I take it as a joke, shall I say book the room!…..all sorts going through my head whilst studying the chicken………breasts or thighs?!

I responded erm….’lol, maybe our second date should be a meal somewhere?’….

‘Ok, meal on wednesday….save the weekend for sex, if you don’t fancy a hotel I could just bring a bottle and come to yours…wink wink’….

I think by this time my fellow shoppers could see I was visibly squirming, trying to manoeuvre my trolley, focus on the task in hand….and come up with suitable responses to these bizarre texts…

best way to deal with this I thought, is to act as if he’s joking….

ha ha, where do you fancy going to eat?’.

‘did you have the desire Sue?’…..

wtf?…….what do I say to that….at this point I’d spotted a guy from work….somebody who I’d often seen but never spoken to. We often glanced at each other and there did seem to be a little bit of mutual attraction….he was in biker leathers….humm never knew that about him! …..small basket, few items…..definitely single I thought…..

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him….I pretended I hadn’t seen him….these texts were making  me feel uncomfortable and exposed…..so head down, shopping task in hand….I continued my journey of Isle of Aldi!……all the while trying to think of how to respond to the last text….

….’I really enjoyed our date last night, but I would prefer to take things slowly…..lol’……

…I added ‘lol’….trying to make it sound light hearted….

you have a great ass and bosom’ (yes he did use the word ‘bosom’), I want to see you naked..’

now enough is enough…..I was starting to get a bit angry……..  but couldn’t help myself from thinking ‘did he really?’……was I ‘body ready’ for this….it had been sometime since I was seen naked….bizarrely I started thinking about what I needed to do to prepare……then STOP…take control of this lady….how dare he make me feel like this…I was disappointed……it had all seemed to go so well….he was now starting to come across very sleazy and I needed to make things clear….

…..’ok, think i need to make things clear here Steve, I enjoyed your company last night, but really would like to take things slowly and see where it leads, have a think about where you fancy going to eat and get back in touch’………

…..silence, not a dicky bird from him for 36 hours!  Now maybe I should have just left it at that, but I felt I needed to have my say…….

‘look Steve, if sex is all you were interested in, you should have made that clear at the beginning, rather than waste my time and yours. I am going to delete your number and I would ask that you delete mine’..

…his response..

……’Ok deleted’…..

 

 

 

 

Sunny Sundays

Well,  it’s the beginning of a well earned week off work for me, weather is great, hope it stays this way!

Yesterday (Sunday) turned out to be one of those unexpected strange days………

My sister called me…’ do you fancy a coffee, we could walk into town’…….’yes that would be great’ I said. I was intending to pop to the shops for a few provisions anyway…….

Had told the boys I was cooking a ‘chicken dinner’ for later, and I wanted them to make sure they were there…..’it’s been ages since we’ve sat down together to eat, it’s important to me’….I insisted.

We strolled into town and popped into the supermarket, my sister needed a birthday card and some wrapping paper…..’Aren’t you going to get your chicken and stuff?’ she asked…..’no, I’ll get it on the way back’ I replied.

We approached our favourite coffee shop, the sun was shining and there were two little tables outside….a proper little sun trap……we decided to sit at one rather than go inside, after all we have to make the most of the sun!……

What coffee do you want’ she asked….erm…..we looked at each other…..and somehow, instead of saying a cappacino, mocha or latte…….the words ‘white wine!’ just flowed out of our mouths!

Two hours later and a second glass of wine consumed, we started our walk home, the chicken ‘and stuff’ had completely slipped my mind! Lost somewhere in the oblivion of white wine and the excitement of sunshine!

We made our way towards home…laughing and chatting away….turned into my sister’s street….One of our friends was out the front of her house ‘doing her plant pots’. We stopped and had a chat with her and her neighbours……

‘would you like a gin and tonic?’……we were asked by the very kind neighbour….’oooh that’ll be lovely’…

By this time our group had been joined by several more neighbours, my nieces and their boyfriends and any other folk who just happened to walk down the street!

After some time, the sun moved round and the front became a bit chilly…..’come on through to the back’….our generous host proposed……we all trooped through her home and came out in the sun drenched backyard! Chairs started appearing from nowhere, a very large jug of gin and tonic, complete with sliced lemons, other types of alcoholic Beveridges, snippets and some ‘takeaway chips’!…..dont know where they came from!

More revellers arrived and we all squeezed into the sun drenched back yard…..laughing, chatting….not a care in the world….it was a lovely sunny Sunday and we were all making the absolute most of it….

ping ping….’where are you Mum, we’re waiting for our chicken dinner!’……..

FLASH THE CASH BUT COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO WASH GUY

Hi Folks……..Saturday morning and all is peaceful.  Both boys are out, eldest has gone off to support the Boro (Big Game, good luck lads!), youngest off to work, he’s an apprentice chef in an up and coming restaurant in Boro……expecting a busy day today!

Perfect time to blog!  I go to make myself a cup of herbal tea before I settle down to write……herbal tea bag poised……..nope quick change of heart, I opt for a nice strong black healthy coffee!…

As Hummer Guy went down so well, I thought I would turn to ‘Flash the Cash but couldn’t be bothered to wash Guy’.

This time I arranged to meet him at the pub….couldn’t take the risk of him turning up in some sort of weird vehicle….a pick-up truck, stretch limo or a tank maybe? We had arranged to meet in ‘the car park at the back’…..there was a guy sat in a car nearby….a normal car I might add….’good start’ I thought.

He got out of his car…..awkward few moments saying hello, and then we walked into the pub.

I always wonder if other people can tell when its a first date….I know I can, it almost becomes a spectator sport for me, I can spot them a mile off!  Then my whole time becomes focused on what they are saying, what they are eating, body language etc.

I look around to see if I know anybody…..the barmaid looks at me…..does she recognise me from my previous date?…..I become concerned that she might think I’m an escort girl or something…..(OK, ‘girl’ might be pushing it!)…..no, she glances…but phew, no sign of recognition!

We find a table, a small booth type, tucked away in the furthest corner I could find….

‘Would you like a drink?’ ..he asks

‘…erm, a dry white wine please’…….he makes his way to the bar.

By this time I had noticed a strange foisty smell but had put it down to the old fisherman’s pub we were in……the carpets did look a bit dodgy!

He returned with a pint of Guinness and the biggest glass of wine I had ever seen…..

‘I thought you’d like to go large’….he said with a weird smile.

Now the table had a small bench seat and a couple of chairs, I had positioned myself in the centre of the bench seat, hoping he would take one of the chairs….nope…..instead he squeezed himself in next to  me……far too close for comfort!  The foisty smell suddenly became much stronger….to my horror I realised it was comimg from HIM!!

We made small talk….’do you come here often’….family and work stuff etc….all the time I was discretely moving sidewards, slowly but surely, along the bench…….he insisted on sliding along with me!…even daring to actually touch my knee!!

By then, I found myself ‘trapped’ between the wooden frame of the booth…..and ‘Stinky’….my only solution….I picked up my large handbag and forced it on the seat between us……at least this gave me a few inches!

Now the wine was going down quite well…..I had started to feel slightly light headed…..was this the effects of the wine?……or the overwhelming musty, foisty aroma that was becoming stronger by the minute?…….I think it was a mixture of both!

…..(short interlude)

ping ping……you guessed it, my eldest son!

‘Mum I’ve messed up, I’ve got the wrong Boro top on.  All my mates have got red ones on and I’ve got an orange one on with that blue jacket and we are going into Boro after and I won’t get in anywhere with this jacket.  Need you to do me a massive favour and bring my red Boro shirt to the Plimmy now please’

…..what the……..?

‘Absolutely not! I’m busy and I’m not dressed!’

….phone rings…..its  him

‘Please Mum, I’ll give you a fiver!’

‘I don’t want your money, I just don’t want to do it!’

‘OK, I’ll get a taxi then…….are you going to MAKE me get a taxi?’

I relent, and after instructions/directions around his bedroom, I locate said Boro top….and off I go.  He jumps in the car, makes a quick clothes change……’Thanks Mum’…..and he’s gone

Now where was I…….oh yeh….

At this point ‘foisty guy’ stands up, and gets his wallet out of his jacket pocket…..takes a note out, and throws his wallet onto the seat next to me and heads for the bar……’just a small wine for me’ I shout after him.

I turn to look at the wallet…..it was bulging…..with a massive wad of notes, that much so, it wouldn’t fasten properly!  I must admit ‘Wow!’ did cross my mind for a fleeting second…..’was I impressed?’…..no……no matter how big the wad, it would never compensate for the foist!

He returned with the drinks, picked up  his wallet and with a wry smile, put it away in his jacket pocket.   After further small talk and a small wine….we ended our evening.

here’s my number’ he said…..that weird smile again…..’we can do it again sometime, get in touch’

……I didn’t…..

 

Hummer Guy

Some of you will know me very well, some of you will be acquainted with me and some of you won’t know me from Adam!…

Those of you who do know me well, will possibly be familiar with some of my dating stories, but for those of you who don’t know me at all, I thought I would go back to blog 1 (Hello), and elaborate somewhat on the ‘guys’ …..today its all about The Hummer Guy.

Well what can I say, other than I was mortified.   He pulled into my little tiny street and stopped right outside the front of my house….black, shiny and with lots of ‘bling lights’.

It caused quite a stir……none more so than with the teenage boy next door and his group of friends who were ‘pre-drinking’ on the pavement outside.  Jaws dropped, cans mid-tilt and shocked silence ensued.

Numb with fear, I thought about the best way I could deal with this….should I casually and confidently walk out of my front door, smile and say ‘hello boys’ and then saunter over to my ride……yes that’s exactly what I will do, I thought….

……..what I actually did was…..scurry out of my front door, head turned firmly to the right (the boys were to my left), ran across to the ‘vehicle’…..and frantically tried to get in…..the driver’s side!!

…….’the  o-t-h-e-r  side’….was mouthed to me by my slightly amused date!  I quickly ran around to the passenger side, amidst an ever increasing sound of hysterical teenage boys’ laughter and clambered upwards and inwards……..not an easy feat when you’re only 5’2″ and wearing heels !!

We decided to go to a local pub not too far away…..’where on earth is he going to park this thing’ was all that was on my mind.

‘I’ve driven from Scarborough’ he told me….’had to fill up three times’

He did manage to park up and just as we were about to disembark the vehicle, I was offered a wet wipe to ‘clean your hands’……he must have seen the bemusement on my face as he continued to tell me that he had hand cleanliness OCD!…..’had it all my life’…….he said.

Now at this point, I became totally preoccupied with trying to come up with ways ‘to escape’ and get home as fast as I could……’would you like to eat’ he asked…..I had a quick flash of him frantically cleaning his hands with copious amounts of wet wipes ……’no thanks, I’ve already eaten’.

We got a drink and sat down.  We did chat (can’t remember what about)……I was still thinking of ways to make my excuses and leave……

At last drink finished…..’would you like another one?’……I thought it best to be totally honest…’no thanks, I think I would like to go home now’….

he was clearly shocked….’Really?’……..

At this point I did think about staying for one more, was I being too hasty?  Should I give him more of a chance?…….then two more wet wipes later……

‘yes really, very sorry but I don’t think this is working for me, I’m sure you agree?’..

He did seem to accept it in good spirit and we headed out to the Hummer.  Unfortunately by this time, a small crowd had formed around the huge eyesore!  Clearly he relished this……..my thoughts….’hope to God nobody recognises me’.

‘Do you fancy a run to Redcar?’ he asked, when we had finally managed to fight our way through the crowd and climb in (Jeez, you’d think they’d never seen a Hummer before!)

‘No thank you, I would just like to go home please’…..

‘thought you might fancy a run to see the new pier?’

‘No thank you, I would just like to go home please’….

Finally, a further two more wet wipes later, he started the engine and drove me home.  

At last home, showered and in my PJ’s……then ping….it was a text from The Hummer Guy…

‘Thanks for a lovely evening, but can I just say, I think you need to lighten up a bit’

……..maybe he ‘s right…..but God I was glad to be home!

Well just finished blogging (love that word) and ‘ping ping’…..my eldest son..

‘is there any meat in this wrap Mum?’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well thank you all for checking out my blog!  I can’t believe I’ve gone global…..yes 3 readers in Ireland and 1 in Belgium!

I thought I would tell you about my journey into work this morning.  Both my sons have apprenticeships and today all three of us travelled together, me driving of course……I clearly have an endless supply of fuel!  My youngest was sat in the front and my eldest in the back.

The journey is mostly in silence……apart from the buzzy noise coming from my youngest sons earphones.  I complain to him that the noise is ‘far too loud’ and it ‘cant possibly be doing his hearing any good’.  He turns the volume down by a molecule.

‘by the way, I’m running out of data, I’ve only got 20% left for the rest of the month’.  ‘Why?’ I ask him………’cos I stream music’ was the answer.  I foolishly make a suggestion that maybe he should not do it so often, to which I get a look that implies that I am obviously too stupid to even discuss this topic any further.   We continue in silence….apart from the slightly more faint buzzy noise!

‘You’re in the wrong lane Mum’……..’I don’t feel comfortable behind this lorry Mum, you’re going to go in the back of it’…….strange that my sons, one of which has been driving 18 months and the other who is still learning and yet to take his test, feel obliged to ‘advise’ me on my driving techniques.  ‘At least we’ll all die together’ was a comment made this morning, as I was driving perfectly normally and carefully in the CORRECT lane!

First drop off made, youngest at his place of work, at last the buzzy noise has gone.  Eldest jumps over from the back seat to the front seat and promptly puts the radio on full blast!  I turn it down to a more reasonable level…..a deep sigh comes from the seat next to me.

Silence…….

‘I think there’s something wrong with my bank Mum’……I reply ‘why would you think that?’….’well I’ve got less money in than I should have’.

Here we go again, my eldest son and I have this same conversation several times a day!  Reassurance is what he’s after……’I just like to run things by you Mum, makes me feel better’.  I give the usual lecture about ‘living to your means’….not going out every weekend etc etc etc.

‘do you think you will be able to help me out Mum….like at the end of the month….like if I run short?’

I knew this was coming…….’I think there’s something wrong with my bank son’…..his response…..’Really? do you think it’s the same as whats wrong with mine?’……

‘Too Right’..I reply….’I’ve got less money in than I should have!!’

 

Hello

Well here I am at last!  Starting a blog is something that I have thought about a lot over the last few years.  Many friends and family have said so many times ‘ that’s so funny, you really should start a blog’!

‘that’s so funny’…….a statement often used to describe my everyday life!  I am a fiftyish, single mother of two boys, aged 20 and 18.  I work full time….really hard actually, and live alone with the boys.  

I am very single, but haven’t given up the hope of meeting ‘Mr. Right’………I did once have a Mr. Right, but he couldn’t sustain the title and unfortunately became Mr. Wrong quite rapidly…….I tell myself that I have to meet a few more ‘Mr. Wrong’s’  before the right Mr. Right comes along!  And Wow………have I met some Mr. Wrong’s!  ……the time when my blind date turned up in my tiny street in a Hummer……..the double denim guy………..the flash his cash but couldn’t be bothered to have a wash guy………the ‘I haven’t got the spark’ guy (Incidentally after third date, when it became apparent to him that I wasn’t going to jump into bed with him)………..we were out for a meal and I was curious to know when he actually lost the spark, before, during or after the food!!, I never got a reply to that!

As I am ‘blogging’ (sounds great!) ……my phone pings twice, yep my eldest son, he always messages then sends the kisses in a second message, hence ping ping!  We have our usual conversation about how little money he has to last him for the rest of the month……..he ends positive……saying he ‘needs to win a bet’!   …..then pings again, to say he cant afford to put a bet on!  

Well my first blog done!  I am really looking forward to doing this and hope anybody who finds their way here will enjoy reading about my ‘that’s so funny’ life!!

Bye for now x